I once heard it said that the better the leader you are, the more tough conversations you’ll have. We’ve all been there: the performance review with the not-so-star team member, the awkward hiring interview, the irate customer or team member, sales negotiations, letting a team member go, etc.
Leaders are the ones who have to step up and into these uncomfortable conversations early and often, but they can be intimidating, especially for a new leader.
So how can I put myself into the absolute best frame of mind to get the best result from each and every one of these difficult and uncomfortable conversations? Here’s what I do:
- I begin with 4 or 5 rounds of box or tactical breathing to center myself (4 count breath in through the nose, 4 count hold, 4 count breath out by the mouth, 4 count hold).
- I take stock of my feelings regarding this upcoming meeting. Am I experiencing any particularly intense negative emotions regarding this meeting? Do I sense any fatalistic or limiting beliefs about this meeting? Do I feel or sense this in any particular place in my body or just in general? Does an image or picture of this emotion or belief I’ve discovered come to mind?
- Whatever I find — fear, anxiety, doubt, anger, frustration, etc. — I make the conscious act of accepting it as something good and valuable that has something to offer me.
- If acceptance is not how I feel toward this feeling, how do I feel with respect to it? Do I resent it? Do I want it to go away? Am I afraid that it will ruin the meeting I’m going to have? Will it get in the way? Am I ashamed of it?
- If so, then I gently address myself to that secondary feeling, which is not allowing me to accept the primary feeling, and ask it to step back for a moment so I can focus on the primary feeling and what it has to say to me regarding this meeting.
- I check-in again with how I feel toward the primary feeling I uncovered. Is there anything there but openness and curiosity about what it has to say? If so, I repeat the previous step until I feel acceptance and curiosity toward my primary feeling regarding the meeting.
- I do a quick deep dive (2-5 min) to find out exactly what this part of mine is afraid will happen during the meeting and how it thinks I should handle it (if it has a suggestion).
- I listen to and address its concern(s). Then I express gratitude and appreciation for the effort that it has expended on my behalf to make the meeting a success.
- I do another check-in with myself about how I feel toward the upcoming meeting. If I’ve effectively connected and listened to my initial negative feeling, I should feel the same curiosity, openness, calm, compassion and clarity toward the upcoming meeting as I did toward the part I was able to connect with.
Once all the negative emotions, limiting beliefs, prejudices and defensiveness have stepped back, I find myself in a state of mind I call my core. It’s the very best version of me. I am calm, open, curious, strong, empathic, creative, clear and supremely able to connect with others.
One of the best things about this core state of mind is that it’s contagious. When two or more people come together and one of them is in this core state, the natural thing is that the others get drawn into their core state of mind as well.
Connect. Connect first with yourself, then with others, and see what happens…you might be surprised.
To learn more about getting to your core state of mind, click here.
