Something interesting happened to me the other day. I received a rather peculiar request, out of the blue, by a prospective client. There was nothing inherently wrong with the request — it didn’t violate any core principles or values of mine; it just struck me as a bit bizarre.
My knee-jerk reaction to the request was to politely decline it. I didn’t have to think much about it; there was just something about the request itself (especially in the nonchalant way it was asked) that made me leery.
As I sent off the polite declination I had a deep sense that I had done the right thing, despite the ever present fear that every entrepreneur feels when they turn down potential business.
That’s when the phone rang. They pushed back, hard. “What’s the big deal? Why is this a problem for you? We’ll make it worth your while.” These, or similar phrases were used to apply lots of pressure.
Before I hung up the phone, I realized that I had caved in and agreed to fulfill their request.
Immediately, I felt a deep sense of betrayal. Not that anyone had betrayed me, but that I had betrayed myself. It wasn’t even the fact of changing my mind that was the issue. This was about the way I had changed my mind.
Simply because someone was putting a little pressure to get what they wanted from me, suddenly I throw out the gut feeling I had initially, and just give in out of the fear that setting clear boundaries with them would lose me their business.
There was no deliberation. There was no inner discussion about the pros or cons of changing my mind. All the inner parts of me that agreed unanimously that I should pass on this request felt betrayed by the manner in which I instantly turned my back on how they felt.
Then I knew that in some albeit small but clearly perceptible and important way, I had lost some of the trust my inner team had for me. Now, before you call the paddy wagon on me, let me explain what I mean by this inner team.
We all have convictions, beliefs, emotions, deeply held experiences, values — even our own body — that at times make known how they expect us to behave. They’re not always right; they don’t all always see the whole picture. Most of the time they don’t even all agree with each other. But when someone says something like “I just had to follow my gut on this one” or “it just felt right deep down,” they’re referring to the collective voice of their inner team or parts.
Here’s the takeaway: if our own inner team doesn’t trust us, then no one else will. Let me say that again. If my own inner parts, my gut, my core, my conscience, my deepest beliefs and feelings and convictions cannot trust me to at least hear them out before going against their advice, then absolutely no one else will trust me either.
There is some good news. Earning back their trust is not complex or time consuming. It just requires the humility to admit the breach and commit to reestablishing the relationship with them.
“Hey, I feel how I have let some of you down by allowing myself to get bullied into changing my mind on something we were all in agreement on. I know I should have exercised the courage to at least ask for some time to consider the request so we could have reconnected before giving another answer. I understand how this behavior of mine has undermined your trust in me and I own it. I will do my best to learn from this and not let it happen again.”
Ironically, it turns out that we build (and repair) trust with our inner parts in the same way we do with other people: by sharing authentic, honest vulnerability with them.
This takes true courage and might seem like weakness on the surface, but what looks like weakness to the person exhibiting true vulnerability looks like incredible courage to the person receiving it.
Building trust and influence with others — those we lead, those we serve, those we love –starts with building trust with the parts we have inside us.
To learn more about connecting and building trust with your inner team, click here.
