We have all seen the Snickers commercial: “You’re not yourself when you’re hungry!” We have all experienced times when losing it emotionally at work or in our personal lives has cost us. I can think of more than a few.
But now, it seems that everywhere I turn, I hear about the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ): “EQ is essential for leadership! You can’t be effective in sales without EQ!”
Ok, but which is it? It seems like we all either have to tread on eggshells around each others’ emotions or just throw them to the wind or trample them in the hopes of getting something meaningful done. What’s a person to do!?! Is there a middle ground? I think there is.
The real challenge is knowing how to get our own emotions and beliefs on our side, working for us, helping drive us in the right direction. Here’s how most of us think: “I will listen to and use my helpful emotions and ignore the unhelpful ones.”
The problem with this approach is that emotions are like toddlers. Did you ever try ignoring a toddler? They will sit there, literally for hours, asking the same thing over and over and over again until you acknowledge them and give them some sort of answer (or have a conniption fit, whichever comes first). My three year old reminds me of this often.
If ignoring our less helpful emotions is not productive, then how can we get them on our side? How can we recruit even the most negative and potentially destructive emotions to more productive and constructive roles in our lives?
The answer is connection. You see, the more you fight against something, the more power you give it over you. Renounce something and you have made yourself a slave to it. Instead of ignoring or actively fighting against your least productive emotions and beliefs, connect with them instead.
Here’s what it looks like: “My boss is an absolute IDIOT! I’m so frustrated, angry and fed up. I feel like quitting.”
Instead of ignoring or fighting this emotion, try accepting it. “Hey, if I’m feeling this way, there’s probably a good reason. If my gut is telling me something is wrong, then something probably is. I’m going to trust this feeling, accept it and get curious about it. What is really bothering me? Is it really my boss’ behavior, attitude or words? Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t. Let’s drill down on this and find the real root of these emotions. Perhaps I surprise myself that the real reason I’m feeling so angry is because I’m not setting clear expectations and boundaries with my boss. He or she might have no clue that I’m feeling this way.”
Suddenly, when we connect with our emotions, instead of fighting them or acting them out on others, we gain insights about ourselves that we never would have discovered otherwise.
The fact of the matter is that whenever we are feeling negative emotions, the problem usually lies between our ears and not in reality.
When we connect with our emotions, it creates the interior space we need to go deep and truly understand where they are coming from. Then we can address the real root of the problem, which is almost always something we have direct control over: our attitudes, beliefs or prejudices.
Here’s another benefit of self-connection: as soon as our negative emotions feel connected with, heard and understood, they soften and often step back to allow our best selves to emerge.
This best self is the version of us who can effortlessly stay calm, cool, collected, connected, clear and compassionate with ourselves and others. This is the state of inner balance where all our emotions are present, active and helping move us in the right direction.
Being objective, rational and impartial is not about being a robot. The ability to empathize with team members, clients and coworkers is essential when working in a team. But only when we have taken the time to do the work to connect and listen and understand our own emotions and beliefs, can we then turn outward and do the same with other people from our best selves.
Next time you feel a strong negative (or even positive) emotion taking over, instead of fighting to ignore it, stop and take the time to connect with it, in order to really get to the bottom of it. Then, having done the work of getting all your emotions on board, you’ll have a much easier time getting other people on board too.
To learn more about how to connect with yourself, click here.
