The manager of a 20 person team confessed to me that he was struggling with some of his team members who do not accept feedback well: “I feel like every time I have to give feedback I’m walking on eggshells.” Most managers have had a team member or two on their teams who doesn’t take constructive criticism well. But, that’s on them, right? I mean, there’s nothing a manager can do to help their team members take criticism more gracefully, right? Or is there?
Before I answer that question, it would help to understand what goes on in the head of a team member when they are given even the most well intentioned, constructive criticism. Brain scans have shown that when the boss calls a person into his office and asks him to take a seat for a good old “heart to heart,” the person’s brain looks exactly the same as when they are under physical attack. Adrenaline starts to flow, fine motor skills capacity plummets and we enter into an involuntary fight or flight response.
Emphasis on involuntary. Nothing about this response is conscious or freely chosen. It’s subconscious, instinctual and completely inevitable for most of us. Why does this happen? Because the manager is being perceived by the limbic system of the team member as a threat. Not just any threat, but the same kind of threat that our forefathers saw in saber-toothed tigers and velociraptors. Are any of the passive aggressive reactions you’ve received in the past making any more sense now?
Great. So anytime I need to give some feedback to a team member, I’m in for an attack scene from Jurassic Park? Not necessarily. There is a simple and easy way to sidestep the limbic brain of the person you’re leading and avoid the drama. The secret is going first.
Here’s the principle: anytime you have a behavior that you want your team to engage in — for example, the humble, open acceptance of constructive criticism, day to day engagement, staying late for a project or deadline, etc. — model that behavior for your team first.
Here’s what it looks like: Instead of just letting them have it, or even worse, inviting the HR rep to come and watch, try this approach: “Hey first name, can we talk for a sec? Look, nobody’s perfect and we all have things we could do better. Can you think of anything Icould improve on as a leader?” (Here you could even use some of your abundant self knowledge, insight and creativity) “Does my communication style or personality get on your nerves at all? How about when I spring that last minute meeting on you at 4:30 on Friday afternoon to go over your expense report?” (You get the idea)
At first, they’ll deny that you have anything to work on (because they’re smart and want to keep their job). But when you insist and show them you’re really serious and honestly looking for feedback you might be surprised at what comes out. Whatever you do, DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE!! Remember, your limbic system will be staring a modern day saber-toothed tiger in the mouth at this point. Hopefully, since this is all part of your plan and you’ve prepared yourself for the feedback beforehand, you’ll be ready for it.
Restate the feedback in your own words, reflecting back what you’ve understood, to verify that you’ve gotten it straight. Ask for clarification if necessary. Your effort to understand them will go a long way, even if you happen to completely disagree with their perspective.
Thank them for the feedback and ask them if they would be willing to hear something that you’d like to share with them. After having given them a shining example of someone who accepts criticism with grace, humility and class, they will be much more likely to act in kind.
Let me be clear: this is not a tactic or a hack or a cheat. For this to work, you have to want to authentically model the behavior you’re after — and do the necessary personal work that implies. If you honestly don’t want feedback and don’t care what your team thinks of you… then now you know why your people don’t want to hear feedback from you.
What behavior could you start modeling for your team today?
