One of my sharpest emotional crashes happened in Chinatown. I started out on cloud nine; I just got engaged to the man I loved, and was out celebrating with friends and family.
I showed the diamond ring on my finger time and again, until interest in the rock was replaced by enthusiasm for the sights, smells and tastes as we walked up and down the streets of Chinatown, in and out of stores and restaurants.
At the end of the day, exhausted and happy, we piled back into the minivan to head home. That’s when my heart plunged 10,000 feet.
The ring was missing.
I stared at my bare hand in dismay, and if I got any words out, it was, “STOP THE CAR!”
The second thought, tumbling quickly after, was: “Oh %*#$! My fiance is going to be so upset!” After planning and saving, pouring his energy into getting that ring for me, and I barely had it a day before I carelessly lost it.
The idea of getting it back was hopeless: we had been so many places, mixed with so many crowds, and honestly, if some stranger found it…we all know how that’s going to end. A part of me thought the loss of the ring signified the eventual loss of the relationship.
I looked into his eyes as he realized what happened, and saw his initial nonverbal reaction, a calmness and selflessness that was backed up by his words: “It’s just a rock. What matters is that you’re okay.”
In that moment, I had proof of what I already believed: this man is gold.
Most of us are so good at behaving ourselves and controlling our reactions, that we seldom get the chance to see each other’s true character. In fact, it is usually in times of crisis — which cannot be contrived or planned — that we see the stuff people are made of.
In this case, I saw firsthand, in a spontaneous, authentic way, how this man would react to my mistake, even a big one. On another occasion, I was able to see how he reacted to his own snafus. Those moments were priceless.
Those are the moments to look for not only when considering a person as a potential spouse, but also when looking to hire a team member.
It is easy for most people to put on a mask, to let you see what they want you to see, to give rote answers to questions and foreseen circumstances. It is a lot harder for people to mask their true core when they get shaken out of their comfort zone.
And this discomfort zone can be as simple as a moment when that person makes a mistake, or reacts to one of yours. Instead of trying to cover up or gloss over human error — which will always be a part of life — observe how the other person deals with it.
Listen to how the person deals with critics or attacks. See how he or she handles people whose opinions differ from her own. Structure your interview in non-traditional settings or ways, focused on shared experiences rather than words thrown back and forth. Look for the nonverbal signs of who that other person really is.
Not only will it help you to connect in a more real and authentic way, it will help you to clearly see if this person will be a good hire or not.
My story has a happy ending: not only did I find the ring (in the seat of the car where I had climbed in), but I married the real treasure.
Your hiring decision will have a happy ending too, if you remember the diamond ring test and look deep for a team member of genuine character.
