Fatherhood has been the most challenging part of my life, by far. Trying to lead my family as my small children grow up has taught me things about myself that have deeply shamed and scared me to death, as well as given me deep and powerful hope.
No matter how much or frequently I fail, no matter how often I lose my temper, blame my kids for imitating my own behavior or shame them for traits that I don’t value (but make them the beautiful kids they are), there’s always a remedy. There’s always a redo.
If I fall into all the same mistakes and misbehaviors that I inherited, I will be happy if I can make just this one little change: I can sit my daughter down on my knee after all the harsh words, after the emotional hurts I have unintentionally caused, and look her in the eye and say, “I’m sorry.”
I can summon the courage and humility to own my shortcomings and mistakes, and promise to continue to work on them. I can ask my 2-year-old humbly and sincerely for forgiveness.
For years, I believed that apologizing would destroy any authority I might have with my kids. But I have learned an invaluable lesson: my children will never learn to humbly own up to their own mistakes and eventually learn from them if I do not show them how to first.
Most of parenting — like all forms of leadership or influence — is “caught,” not “taught.” Going first and leading by example is the way of all true leaders.
It is scary. It is terrifying. It is also incredibly powerful.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there!
