It seems that some people are born to lead, but I felt doomed by my background to not be one of those shining stars.
When I read about people like Alexander the Great, Marcus Aurelius, Caesar, Napoleon, Churchill, Washington or Lincoln, something in me used to sigh and say, “these people were from a different species,” and “there is no way I can make that big of an impact.”
Fortunately, I have learned otherwise. As it turns out, leaders are born AND made.
Someone who is born into a family where there is unconditional love, with parents who lead lovingly by example, might have leadership capacities from birth.
What about the rest of us who grew up in less than ideal circumstances? Are we hopeless of having any possibility of leadership or influence? I do not think so.
Leaders can be made; but how? It took me a lot of time and struggle, but finally I learned the secret.
As a kid growing up I was taught that unless I was quiet, sat still, paid attention and complied with instructions I was a “bad kid.” I was dragged into doctors’ offices and diagnosed with ADHD (along with every other boy who could fog a mirror) simply because my parents and teachers were not equipped to handle my high energy levels and intensity.
All these experiences taught me to believe certain things: that I was deeply and fundamentally broken; there was something wrong with me; I was the problem.
A logical corollary to these beliefs was that I could not trust myself, love myself or honor myself because I was taught to blame myself whenever anything went wrong around me: my parents’ divorce, my bad grades, even things that I had nothing directly to do with. The message was always: “Look what you made me do!”
Yet, through all these experiences, there has always been this flame in my heart, this energy that I have wanted to share with others, to lead and inspire the people around me to find their true happiness, to use my influence in order to help others find fulfillment.
This desire led me on a path with many twists and turns, mistakes and lessons learned. This drive to influence, inspire and help others has always been there, but it constantly clashed with the unspoken, inescapable, limiting belief that I was fundamentally flawed. Deep down, I thought that no matter how hard I tried or how much or long I faked it, I did not really have anything of value to offer. It was a constant internal cage fight.
And through the years, I studied the concept of leadership, fascinated by this ideal that I could not seem to reach. I studied the lives of good leaders and bad ones. This undoubtedly helped me, but nothing I read changed my life.
In fact, on the contrary, I met more incompetent leaders — bosses, superiors or supervisors — who, like those in my childhood, had one thing in common: they chose to believe that I was the problem. They did not believe in me.
When a leader stops trusting and believing in his people, he loses influence over them. So it was with me: When I sensed that a leader lost faith in me, I simply wrote him or her off, ignored whatever came out of that person’s mouth, and eventually just moved on. It was a pattern that I seemed doomed to repeat for the rest of my days.
Then the breakthrough happened. It changed my life.
In a moment of clarity, I realized that this pattern was not only happening outside of myself, but also inside of myself. I did not trust myself, so I had internally, subconsciously written myself off. My inner critic was so strong that in trying to ignore it, I judged and discarded most other parts of myself as useless as well.
Here is what changed all that: I chose to believe that there is no bad part of me.
I did the difficult and painful work of going back to those parts of me that were wounded and I healed them.
I have come to understand that even my inner critic has always just been trying to help, albeit in a clumsy and counterproductive way.
I have been able to reconcile with myself, accept who I am and begin to love and admire myself in a healthy way for the first time.
The consequences of this change have been astounding. Now that I love and trust and take care of myself, my influence with others has grown exponentially.
This is why I can say without reservation that the first step of leadership has to be self-leadership.
This does not mean artificially forcing ourselves to behave in a certain way to achieve some goal, but rather to act as a loving, benevolent mentor to ourselves first, to be the leader who sees our own deepest potential and decides to invest time, effort and loving patience to bring it out.
Do the work to heal the wounds that are holding you back from truly and unconditionally loving yourself and you’ll find your influence on others will grow automatically.
What’s holding you back from fulling trusting yourself?
