I’ve recently found that the more Self centered I am, the better things have been going.
Has anyone ever called you self-centered? If so, you know how much it stings. We’ve all met one of those self-absorbed, narcissistic people who think the world revolves around them and them alone.
Ironically, when I look back on my own selfish behaviors I tend to think that I was “not myself.” If fact, selfish, inconsiderate or downright belligerent behavior is almost nobody’s true self.
According to Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., these behaviors come from built-in defense mechanisms in our psyche that help us survive especially challenging situations in our lives. He also has a very specific and unique way of understanding what we refer to as “Self.”
The Self for Schwartz is the part of us that is characterized by 8 “C” words: calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity and connectedness. When we can honestly describe the way we feel and behave with these words, then we are in the state of “Self,” according to Dr. Schwartz.
These words have a strong echo in Brené Brown’s research on wholeheartedness. She outlines 10 guideposts to wholehearted living that overlap with Schwartz’s idea of Self in many places: authenticity, self-compassion, resilience, gratitude and joy, intuition and trusting faith, creativity, play and rest, calm and stillness, meaningful work, and laughter, song and dance.
Obviously, each of us will exhibit our “Self” is our own way. But there is something in common that both of these people and countless others have been trying to get at: when we are truly our “Self,” we are at our best and we can accomplish our best work.
Whether you’re a parent, salesperson, business or community leader, friend, thought leader or just somebody trying to “make a living,” you only reach your highest potential when you are your “Self.” So why don’t we spend more time trying to “be” our Self more often? Why do we instead choose to push ourselves and others to get what we want when deep down we know the best and most effective way is to be our Self and cooperate with each other?
Personally, this brings to mind some of my best and worst moments: on the one side, times when I have been flooded by emotions of fear and doubt and rage and bitterness; and on the other side, moments when I have been at my best as a husband, father, friend, salesperson, team leader, coach or consultant.
These lessons have made me deeply committed to learning more about this “Self” of mine and given me a desire to operate from that place more and more often.
What does your true “Self” look like? Are you living in a Self centered way?
